Limericks

Jul 1, 2017
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first is the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on the air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago.

Also, you all know our friend Paula Poundstone. Well, starting next weekend, she has a new podcast of her own in which, each week, she searches for knowledge, or as she puts it, tries to get less stupid one topic at a time. Paula's podcast is called Live From The Poundstone Institute. You can subscribe now...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...As she says, where mediocre podcasts are found. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LIAM WILLEY: Hello.

SAGAL: Hello.

WILLEY: This is Liam.

SAGAL: Hey, Liam. How are you?

WILLEY: I'm doing pretty well. I'm over here in Sunnyvale, Calif.

SAGAL: Sunnyvale, Calif. That's Silicon Valley, right?

WILLEY: It is indeed Silicon Valley.

SAGAL: Yeah. So are you one of those gods of tech? I assume everybody there is a billionaire.

WILLEY: Oh, of course. I'm a billionaire, which is why I'm only a guest on this show.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Liam. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each of them. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?

WILLEY: Hold on. All right. I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. He's warmed up. He's ready to go. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: In this steel town where I'm forced to dwell, there's a reek that no breeze can dispel. To save all the noses that Pittsburgh exposes, this app lets me track the weird...

WILLEY: Smell.

SAGAL: Yes, smell.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: There's a new phone called Smell PGH. And it allows users to track and report weird smells they encounter throughout Pittsburgh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The posted information is visible to other users, including descriptors like location, nature, intensity and Roethlisberger-iness (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's perfect for city inspectors who are trying to locate gas leaks and for Philly residents who want to feel superior.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The app's creators say they're hoping to get people more actively involved in issues of air quality, and reporting suspicious smells is a great way to start. That said, users of Smell PGH should beware of the old adage, he who reported it, forted it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Car horns make people attack, but a duck call says kindly step back. To keep traffic calm, sound more like a duck mom. So let's switch angry beeps for a...

WILLEY: Quack.

SAGAL: A quack, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Researchers in South Korea want to make driving more pleasant, so they have proposed getting rid of car horns and replacing them with duck quacks.

(LAUGHTER)

LUKE BURBANK: Not better.

SAGAL: Now instead of road rage, your quacking car will make other drivers throw your car stale bread.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The researchers - this is true - tried hundreds of different sounds before deciding that duck quacks were the most likely to alert pedestrians while still being pleasing to the ear. This may be true for people, but it's really messing up ducks...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Who can't understand why all these cars are propositioning them.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: I think this could lead to more road rage because you got the guy who's just boiling over about something, and he lays on the horn. And he's yelling, but all he's getting out of it is quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

SAGAL: Well, no.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: If you want me to notice a sound on a car, make it into the default alarm setting for an iPhone...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...Because that sends a chill through my whole being.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: If somebody did that behind me I would stop whatever driving maneuver I was doing.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Before the beach, this is no joke, my skin gets a brown liquid soak. The soda sinks in my top layer of skin. I'm pre-tanned with gallons of...

WILLEY: Pepsi. Just kidding. Coke.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It is Coke. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It's the dumbest idea on the internet, summer 2017 edition. The Coca-Cola Company - this is true - has had to put out a statement telling people to stop using Coca-Cola as a tanning lotion. People do it because it turns them brown. Of course it turns them brown. And if you put on Mountain Dew, it'll turn you fluorescent green.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And not only is it useless and temporary but - this is true - the acid in Coke eats away thin layers of protective skin, making your sunburn worse. But, fortunately, no one will be able to see your terrible sunburn because you'll be covered in a very sexy layer of bees.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Liam do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Liam from Silicon Valley - of course, he got all three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Liam.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Take care, Liam. Thank you for playing.

WILLEY: All right. Take care, guys. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.